Honestly, I don’t know who I am.
Depending on the day, I probably could tell you how I was but not necessarily who- I was. Today, I was a happy, conservative gal strolling around like Princess Kate with my head held high, accessorized with my “mysterious smile” (as my coworker would call it).
Tomorrow, I might be a total wreck! An angry black woman with a serious attitude for whatever reason. I may feel fat and ugly because my outfit is a mess and doesn’t fit my curves.
I probably climbed into bed by 9PM, dozed off at 9:10PM, only to be taunted by my friends for being a “granny.” If only they knew, I’m in here doubting my own sanity and asking myself, “Are you depressed girl?”
If you could read the thoughts that seem to always dance around in my head, they would spell,
“Am I ready to get married? I hate my closet… I have nothing to wear! Girl, you have gotten so fat! WTH! Damn, I look good. I need someone to take this picture of me. Do it for the grammmm! I hate my job. This can’t be life. I’m ready to move. I want to go to India. This is some bullshit. I hate working out. I need a new job. I need a drink. NOW.”
You see, I don’t know who I am. I have no idea. I’m constantly changing, I’m always in transit and very unstable. I’ve been this way for some time. But I’m starting to believe it’s just the roller coaster thrill of being in my twenties. Do I like it? No. Am I completely happy? Hell no. Should I be happy? Absolutely. So why not be? I’m still searching for the answers to that.
To be honest, I am truly blessed. If I was to make a list of all the good things that I’ve accomplished, you would be proud. Hell, I am proud. But good is never best. And honestly, some of those honors were accomplished to make someone else happy, not for me. Now, I need more of what I want. What do I want? hmmm, I guess it’s time to explore.
So you want to know who I am? I am just a twenty-something year old woman who may be just as lost as you— a gal trying to dream out loud, be happy, and free.
Just read and see.